


Yesterday I Cried.

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Identity Issues, John finally learns to talk about it, June Egbert - Freeform, Romantic undertones if you wanna see 'em, T-baby's alaways there for our favourite nerd in blue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24137521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After a movie night, John helps Terezi clean up. He excuses himself to the bathroom, where he finds Terezi's tube of liquorice flavoured lipgloss.
Relationships: John Egbert & Terezi Pyrope, John Egbert/Terezi Pyrope
Kudos: 44





	Yesterday I Cried.

John didn't cry.

  
The earliest moment of this revelation was when he was six and he had fractured his wrist falling off that hideous green plastic monster that was the swing in his front yard. He had screamed and bellowed to his father- even fainting and waking up in the hospital with his dad's worried face looming over him. He hadn't cried then. He didn't cry because he didnt want cry.

  
Thinking about this didn't help right now though, he still found himself in Terezi's hive locked up in her block and wiping off the thick liquorice flavoured lipgloss on his teeth with the threat of tears stinging the corners of his eyes. It felt humiliating.

  
He was supposed to be feeling better. That dark cloud over him was supposed to have passed. He knew depression wasn't that easy but it just seemed so unfair that he had to feel it now. That the lethargic feeling of dread and anxiety would crawl up his spine again. That the feeling of his heart hammering against his ribs and the simultaneous urge to just curl up in a ball and cry would start to seep into him. It wasn't fair to him. It wasn't fair to his friends that had stuck through with him- they at least deserved to be happy. To know that sticking around meant he could get better.

  
He had come over for a movie night with many of his other friends. The first step in weeks he had taken to leave the house and a major milestone in trying to reconnect with the friends he felt like he had abandoned for years. It had gone well.

  
No one talked about it, they didn't need to. They were waiting on him to be comfortable enough to breach the subject and he couldn't have felt more grateful. He had made it all the way through without once looking at Dave and feeling the familiar tug of self deprecating anger. He could laugh and smile at Rose's sarcastic freudian jabs at the fictional characters on screen. He could even feel his spirit light up when Jade would laugh and joke about her own misinterpretation of the stories when she was still alone. For the first time in a while he could sit with someone else and it didn't hurt.

  
The night had ended in a comfortable collection of hummed goodbyes and gentle kisses promising another evening like this. John had volunteered to help Terezi clean up since everyone else seemed to have their partners to take home. He made the mistake of asking to use the bathroom.

  
Or rather the fault was in his curiosity of seeing a the innocent tube of black lipgloss sitting on the basin top, with an equally as innocent thought of how he would look with it on.

  
He spent more time than he would like to admit, trying to carefully outline his slim chapped lips to replicate what he would see on Rose, Kanaya or even Terezi. It made sense to model himself after them. Whenever he would make a mistake he would simply run his tounge across the edge of his lips or teeth to correct it. When it was done it was perfect.

  
He could see the soft glisten of dark grey like a resin on his flesh. It was obviously done by an unpracticed hand but the feeling of pride when he saw his smile stretch with it on was incredible. He looked incredible. He love how much the look of it would catch in his eye. How much he wanted to do much more than the lip gloss.

  
How he wanted...

  
He wanted... 

  
He wanted.

  
He wanted what he was looking at right now. That's for sure. He wanted it because he knew that it wasn't real. The John in the mirror was happy and that wasn't real. The John in the mirror seemed to look like he knew what he was doing for the past fifteen minutes of trying to look pretty. The John in the mirror looked like he wanted to be pretty.

  
And so for the first time in his life John cried. It started of a single tear quickly wiped off his cheek. Then a small collection of sobs and shudders and before he knew it his face was streaked with tears. His skin flushed and red, his hands trembling as they clutched to the edge of the basin. Eyes and cheeks swollen and itching.

  
He cried for what felt like hours... days... years... minutes. All he knew was that the more he cried the better it felt. The more he cried the more he felt like he was betraying his old self that pledged not to. He cried because he knew that if he did, then he would have to face the consequences of doing so when he opened that door to face the world again. John cried because he didn't want to be John anymore and for the first time in a long time he was able to admit that.

  
He pulled the hem of his shirt to wipe and dab at the tears, a slight grimace when he saw the streak of greasy black pigment come of too. He washed his hands and rinsed his face, suddenly overcome with the urge to get home as soon as possible. He needed to get home and he needed to get his mind together. His hand lingered on the doorknob of the bathroom for a second to long, the presence on the other side was feeling all of a sudden like a brick wall. He let out a still shaky breath and pulled it open.

  
Terezi stood on the other side. Her calculated snide grin now an equally as eager, sympathetic character. "Hey."

  
"Hi." The laughable response did nothing to cut the air.

  
"Need to talk about it?" He wanted to shake his head badly and excuse himself out.

  
"Yeah. I think I do."


End file.
